Today was a hard day emotionally. Ever since I suffered from PTSD I periodically have what I call “crazy thoughts” or the “what ifs.” Well, today I started freaking out about what if I hurt my children. They’re so fragile and tiny that I get scared that I might hurt them. So I was plagued with these crazy thoughts all day–I just couldn’t stop thinking them. It also did not help that I wasn’t able to see them until after 3pm today. Not only is it scary to have these crazy thoughts it’s frustrating because just when I think I’m getting better emotionally, I have a setback. But then I’m reminded that healing, improving and getting better is not a linear process–that it’s an upward spiral (or two steps forward, one step back, if you prefer that metaphor). And who taught me this lesson today? My baby girl, Kamryn.
When I visited the NICU this afternoon, both the doctor and the nurse came in to talk to me. Apparently Kamryn was in a lot of pain this morning, was crying inconsolably and her tummy became distended. They took her for an x-ray and figured out that she had a lot of air in her stomach. So they took her off of food and she’s only getting her nutrients from the TPN (IV fluid) and they’re venting her stomach to help move the gas out. I was told she started to calm down and she looked quite peaceful and comfortable when I came in. And the nurses think that her stomach is a lot softer than it was. Also, when they start her back on food, they’re going to have her on a really easy to digest formula because they think she might not have enough enzymes to digest breast milk yet. Of course I want what’s best for her so I agreed readily. However, it makes me sad that the one thing that only I could do for her–give her breast milk–isn’t helping her right now. But, most importantly, the doctor and nurses assured me that this issue is very very normal for preemies and that she will be just fine. It’s just going through it that sucks. I know both girls will be fine, but it doesn’t mean it’s all smooth sailing until we get there. Some days will be better than others, some days they’ll progress while other days will have setbacks.
It’s an important lesson to be reminded of, especially at this stage of my recovery. I’m still emotionally and physically depleted from the pregnancy and delivery/surgery, and having my children in the NICU, even with their positive prognosis, is yet another stress to deal with. They both seemed content and comfortable when I left tonight, thankfully.
I also learned not to get so hung up on their weights every day. Some days it seems like they’ve gained a lot, other days like they’ve lost. But I learned today that the doctor looks at the over all weekly trend, not the day to day weight.
Okay, I’m going to sleep now. I keep nodding off while typing…